Thursday, 27 September 2012

Anxiety; my story... so far.








Anxiety; my story... so far

Please read with an open and non judgemental mind, this is officially a safe free zone from judgment!!!


It’s time to face the title of my blog. Stop putting it off and write about what I really want to write about, why I started this blog in the first place! How am I going to help somebody else if I don’t put myself out there ‘bare all to the world’ and be a little support blog for others?




So, as you’ve probably gathered from the ‘anxiety confessions’ I suffer with pretty bad anxiety and I think the best place to start is the beginning.. Yes this is going to be a long blog post but if your not interested don’t read it, I’m not writing this for attention I’m writing it for me, for other anxiety sufferers and to make more people aware of ‘mental illness’

My anxiety started probably without me realising fully last November (2011) I went to University in Manchester in the September, left an amazing job that I loved, my amazing family, my boyfriend and everything I’ve ever known for ‘the big city’ where my life was going to change, but unfortunately for me it didn’t change in ways I thought it would. I hated it from the moment I had to get in the car and say goodbye to my Mum, Sunday 18th September my life officially changed and a year on I’m still trying to get it back! After nearly two months I came back for my birthday 5th November and just couldn’t go back, the thought made me physically sick I cried and finally told my mum how much it was getting me down and how I felt I’d made a mistake but didn’t want to fail or let anyone down, she told me to stay and not to force myself into doing something that was making me miserable to please other people! After hearing her say that it was final, I was never going back. I went back the following week to get my stuff, say good byes and officially leave uni, that day me and Chris (my boyfriend) went to Manchester and did that was such a relief but at the time I didn’t know what this big change and up raw in my life had caused.

Once I got back from University my anxiety well and truly kicked in, I was back in my safe place, my happy place and everything was going to get better and I’d get a job, but then I tried going out and I couldn’t and ever since Mid November last year I haven’t been out of my house until recently but still I can not go any where on my own or over a certain amount of time. I have panic attacks at the thought of having to go somewhere; I’m on high dosses of medication to literally get myself through the day with out having an anxiety attack. It’s horrible having all our independence ripped away from you, I can not explain how frustrating it feels to just want to open the front door and go some where, on my own with out someone having to be there but I just cant do it because when ever I’m in public I get panicky and feel sick, normally I am sick this is why I need someone with me to look after me and that can drive me back home straight away if needs be. To put it into prospective, anyone who knows my knows how much I adore my cousin Erin and how close we are and that she’s my best friend, New Years Eve as I couldn’t go out and Erin was staying in she invited me round to her house which is two doors up from my house and I couldn’t even do that at the time it took all my strength and determination to not be on my tod on New Years Eve to go round, once I was there I finally opened up to her and she was the first person apart from my mum that I told and she’s been amazing ever since.

I’ve become an awful lot closer to the people that matter in my life over the past year as something like this really does show you who is really there for you and after loosing all my ‘best’ friends I was left with no body I felt but now I can look back and in a strange way be thankful to my ‘illness’ for showing me who really care, all the flacky people as Chris likes to call them have shown their true colours and the true important people have shined through the horrible big black cloud! So I really need to say thank you to my extremely understanding mum, my amazing and strong minded dad, my beautiful and caring baby sister, my beyond amazing cousin Erin, my extremely understanding and my rock boyfriend Chris and his brilliant second mammy to me, mum, my beautiful, pregnant with my god baby, friend Charlotte and all of the friends and family that have stuck by me!

After the awful year it has been I’ve recently started seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and that’s why I want to write this blog, write about my journey and the steps I’m taking and how things are improving, like a diary that everyone else can read ha but that’s good, I want to make people understand and just because you cant physically see a problem doesn’t mean its not there and unfortunately for me during the past year that’s the main thing I’ve learnt, people cant understand therefore aren’t there for you. I’ve started counselling with the charity Mind in Ulverston every Friday so I think every Friday I’ll write a post on how it went and what I’ve learnt, so far I’ve learnt I’m not crazy and I AM AN AMAZINGLY STRONG PERSON who deserves to kick anxiety in the face and I will.. watch this space ;)

I truly hope at least one person benefits from this blog and blogs to come, thank you for reading if you did it means a lot!! 

Next blog post will be Make up related promise! ;)



14 comments:

  1. Well done Jade it takes courage to write about your experiences like you do. kep up the good work and the progress you are making and you can show them flakey friends how shallow and flakey they really are. Their loss! Love dad xx

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  2. It takes a lot of guts to come out in the open and talk about things like this. You have my utmost respect!

    I've had some pretty serious health problems over the past 4 years and I ended up relying on my Mum to look after me (even brush my hair and feed me at some points) I lost a lot of my independence but I didn't realise how much confidence had gone with it! It wasn't able to leave the house much anyway but one day my Mum suggested I walk between my Doctors and Dentist (200meters) on my own, it totally terrified me. I didn't think anyone would understand that feeling so thank you so much for this post x

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    1. Thank you Vicki, it's really nice to finally be talking to other people that can relate and understand and that's all I wanted from writing this! I really hope your doing ok xx

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  3. You're so brave for righting this Jade, keep your chin up and never forget there are people who care all my love Danielle xx

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  4. You dont know me and this is the first I have heard of you too so its a bit random of me . I think your such a brave girl for writing this and its really nice to know how strong minded people can be toward's illnesses that you wouldn't know where even there. I suffer from anxiety and depression and every day is a mask when I leave the house you get stronger and you do understand it...some days it can beat you down and other's you realize how strong a young girl can be....I hope you kick it away and no more dark clouds....i'll eventually see the day. you do eventually become you again...x x x

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment Nixie, the amount of comments I've received from other people who are going through the same is huge and I'm so thankful people have the courage to say their feeling the same after reading my blog! I hope you kick anxiety away too and please come back and talk to me at any time!! As only us suffers really know how one another feel! Hugs xxx

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  5. Bloody hell Jade! Had no idea, just goes to show that this kind of thing can happen to anyone. You have serious balls to write this! and I hope it helps you on your road to recovery. Lindsay W x

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    1. Thank you!! It did take balls I was so nervous ha xx

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  6. I think you are so brave Jade! People don't understand what people with a mental illness go through as like you said it's not physical! This really touched my heart and I hope you overcome your demons! Much love xxxxx Charlotte H, Erin's friend xxx

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  7. Jade, you have been incredibly brave telling your story! When i went to University, i was exactly the same, apart from mine started at uni. It was such a relief to come home but the depression and anxiety continued. I managed to grab the strength from somewhere to go straight into a job from university, forcing me to get out of the house. However i did very little else. When i got the job i'm in currently, the first few months were hard. But the people there helped me without realising, and they still don't realise. I have grown in confidence again (i lost it all during my time at uni), my depression feels buried (in a good way) and i have met some amazing people. My anxiety is still there, especially when there is arguing nearby - which i think stems from when i was younger - but i am an awful lot better. And you will get to the same stage as me in time :) Anyone that is suffering or has suffered is an extremely strong person. And until you have been there you don't understand fully.

    You ever need someone to talk to, see Erin for my number :) Ashleigh xxx

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  8. I am so glad that you have written this post! I have suffered with anxiety in the past and it is amazing to know that you are not alone and definitely not crazy! I really love your blog - please keep up the amazing work! xxx

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  9. i have been through bad time like you, i totally understand, keep up the amazing work you are doing xx

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  10. I know you wrote this in September so I'm late in stumbling across it....

    Without boring you with my story, I have always been anxious but events that have happened since I started teaching led me to really start struggling with it. I would sit on my classroom floor and cry for about 20 minutes before the children arrived. So it really helps to see that people have been through it and are coming out the other side. I've just started going to counselling and I can really see the benefit already.

    I've had a blog post about my anxiety experience saved in my drafts, but i've just not been able to press the button yet. Thank you for being an inspiration and sharing your experience :)

    Sarah xx

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